What are the Four Horsemen?
The Four Horsemen are four ways of communicating during conflict that psychologist John Gottman found to erode relationships over time: criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. The name borrows from the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse in the Book of Revelation. When they show up often, they are warning signs for a relationship.
- Researchers
- John Gottman and Robert Levenson
- Method
- Recording couples’ conflict conversations in the lab and coding facial expressions, words and heart rate
- The four
- Criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling
- Strongest signal
- Contempt
The research behind it
Gottman and Levenson (1992) observed couples discussing an area of disagreement and followed them for several years. They found that negative interaction patterns and high physiological arousal were linked to later separation and divorce. Gottman (1994) reported that stable couples kept a ratio of roughly five positive interactions for every negative one during conflict. In a 14-year follow-up, Gottman and Levenson (2000) found that negativity such as the Four Horsemen predicted earlier divorce, while a lack of positive affect predicted later divorce.
The Four Horsemen with examples
| Horseman | What it is | Example |
|---|---|---|
| Criticism | Attacking your partner’s character instead of a behavior | "Why are you always so selfish?" |
| Contempt | Mockery, sarcasm, eye-rolling, acting superior | "Wow, brilliant idea. Really." |
| Defensiveness | Deflecting responsibility and counterattacking | "Me? You’re the one who started it." |
| Stonewalling | Shutting down and withdrawing from the conversation | Staring at your phone, walking out without a word |
The antidotes
Happy couples aren’t the ones who never fight; they’re the ones who fight well. In Gottman’s studies, stable couples still argued, but they raised complaints gently and knew how to repair quickly instead of tearing each other down.
- Criticism → Gentle start-up. Talk about your feelings and needs using "I": "I’m exhausted and the dishes are piling up. Could you do them tonight?" This is the same idea as I-messages.
- Contempt → Build a culture of appreciation. Regularly express gratitude and respect for your partner.
- Defensiveness → Take responsibility. "You’re right, I should have called."
- Stonewalling → Physiological self-soothing. If you’re flooded, say "Let’s take a 20-minute break," calm down, then come back.
How strong is the evidence?
Gottman’s work has strongly influenced couples therapy and premarital education. However, popular claims that he can predict divorce with over 90% accuracy are criticized as overstated, because they come largely from after-the-fact analyses of relatively small samples. The Four Horsemen work best as a warning light for reflection, not a verdict. For ways to state your needs respectfully in conflict, see assertiveness training.
Frequently asked questions
- What are Gottman’s Four Horsemen?
- They are criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling, four communication patterns linked to relationship breakdown.
- Which horseman is the worst?
- Gottman identified contempt as the single strongest predictor of divorce.
- What are the antidotes to the Four Horsemen?
- Gentle start-up, building appreciation and respect, taking responsibility, and physiological self-soothing.
References
- Gottman, J. M. (1994). What Predicts Divorce? The Relationship Between Marital Processes and Marital Outcomes. Hillsdale, NJ: Lawrence Erlbaum.
- Gottman, J. M., & Levenson, R. W. (1992). Marital processes predictive of later dissolution: Behavior, physiology, and health. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 63(2), 221–233.
- Gottman, J. M., Coan, J., Carrere, S., & Swanson, C. (1998). Predicting marital happiness and stability from newlywed interactions. Journal of Marriage and the Family, 60(1), 5–22.
- Gottman, J. M., & Levenson, R. W. (2000). The timing of divorce: Predicting when a couple will divorce over a 14-year period. Journal of Marriage and Family, 62(3), 737–745.