What is assertiveness training?
Assertiveness training is a structured way to learn and practice expressing your opinions, feelings and needs honestly and directly while still respecting other people. Instead of either swallowing your feelings or exploding, you learn a third option: assertive communication.
- Origins
- Behavior therapist Joseph Wolpe (1958)
- Popularized by
- Alberti and Emmons, Your Perfect Right (1970)
- Key techniques
- DESC script, role-play, broken record
- Used for
- Social anxiety, relationship problems, workplace conflict, school programs
A brief history
Wolpe (1958) found that practicing "assertive responses" helped reduce anxiety and used them as part of behavior therapy. Alberti and Emmons (1970) brought the idea to the public with *Your Perfect Right*, arguing that everyone has the right to express themselves. The book went through many editions and helped make "assertiveness" an everyday word in the US.
Passive, aggressive and assertive
| Style | What it looks like | Example (a friend is late again) |
|---|---|---|
| Passive | Staying quiet, hinting, giving in | "Oh, no worries…" (while seething) |
| Aggressive | Blaming, attacking, raising your voice | "You’re always late. You’re so selfish." |
| Assertive | Clear facts, feelings and requests | "I waited 30 minutes and felt frustrated. Next time, could you text me if you’re running late?" |
The DESC script
Proposed by Bower and Bower (1976), DESC breaks assertive messages into four steps:
- Describe the situation objectively: "I’ve received the meeting slides on the day of the meeting three times this week."
- Express your feelings: "It’s been stressful because I don’t have time to prepare."
- Specify what you want: "Could you send them by the afternoon before?"
- Consequences: explain the benefit: "That way I can review them properly."
DESC works well with "I-statements," described in I-messages.
Does it work?
You don’t have to be born confident to say no. Assertiveness is a learnable skill: people build it by rehearsing short, clear sentences in role-plays until they feel natural.
Speed, Goldstein and Goldfried (2018) called assertiveness training "a forgotten evidence-based treatment," noting research support for social anxiety, depression and interpersonal difficulties. Today it is often included in social skills components of cognitive behavioral therapy.
Everyday exercises
- Start small. Practice in low-stakes situations, like asking a server to fix a wrong order.
- Say no briefly. "Sorry, I can’t this time" is enough; you don’t owe a long explanation.
- Broken record technique. If someone keeps pushing, calmly repeat the same sentence.
- Mind your body language. Eye contact, steady voice and an open posture matter as much as words.
Frequently asked questions
- What is assertiveness training?
- It is a method for learning to express your thoughts, feelings and requests honestly and respectfully, without being passive or aggressive.
- What is the difference between assertive and aggressive?
- Aggressive communication attacks or blames the other person, while assertive communication states facts, feelings and specific requests while respecting the other person’s rights.
- What is the DESC technique?
- DESC stands for Describe, Express, Specify and Consequences, a four-step script for making assertive requests.
References
- Wolpe, J. (1958). Psychotherapy by Reciprocal Inhibition. Stanford, CA: Stanford University Press.
- Alberti, R. E., & Emmons, M. L. (1970). Your Perfect Right: A Guide to Assertive Behavior. San Luis Obispo, CA: Impact.
- Bower, S. A., & Bower, G. H. (1976). Asserting Yourself: A Practical Guide for Positive Change. Reading, MA: Addison-Wesley.
- Speed, B. C., Goldstein, B. L., & Goldfried, M. R. (2018). Assertiveness training: A forgotten evidence-based treatment. Clinical Psychology: Science and Practice, 25(1), e12216.