What are toxic parents?
Toxic parents are parents whose persistent patterns of behavior damage their children’s sense of self and ability to become independent. The term was popularized by therapist Susan Forward’s bestselling book *Toxic Parents* (1989). The key word is persistent: every parent makes mistakes, but toxic parenting is a long-running pattern, not a single bad day.
- Origin
- Susan Forward, Toxic Parents (1989)
- Status
- Popular term, not a diagnosis
- Core idea
- Repeated parenting that harms self-worth and autonomy
- Related research
- Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) Study
Types of toxic parents
Based on Forward’s descriptions:
| Type | What it looks like |
|---|---|
| Controlling | Decides career, partners and even clothes; uses guilt when the child resists |
| Critical | Constant put-downs such as "Why can’t you ever get it right?" |
| Inadequate | Cannot function as a parent, so the child ends up caring for them |
| Addicted | Alcohol or drug use makes home life chaotic and unpredictable |
| Abusive | Physical or verbal violence excused as "discipline" |
Long-term effects on children
"I’m only doing this because I love you" can still leave scars. Years of control and criticism delivered in the name of love can leave an adult child doubting their own judgment and constantly seeking someone’s permission.
The landmark Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) Study by Felitti and colleagues (1998) found that adults who experienced more abuse, neglect and household dysfunction as children had higher risks of depression, substance misuse and chronic disease. A meta-analysis by Gershoff and Grogan-Kaylor (2016) found that spanking was linked to more aggression and mental health problems and to no positive outcomes. For how early relationships shape later ones, see attachment theory and adult children of alcoholics.
Law and protection
In the US, every state defines child abuse and neglect, including emotional abuse in most states, and requires professionals such as teachers to report suspected abuse. The Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline (1-800-422-4453) offers 24/7 support. Internationally, more than 60 countries have banned all corporal punishment of children.
Coping and healing as an adult child
- Acknowledge what happened. Moving from "Am I too sensitive?" to "That hurt me" is the first step.
- Set boundaries. Decide how often you’ll be in touch, which topics are off-limits and how you’ll handle money, then state it briefly and clearly.
- Know that distance is allowed. As an adult, you can choose to reduce or pause contact to protect yourself.
- Get support. Therapy and exploring your family of origin can help you separate your parents’ voices from your own.
Frequently asked questions
- What does toxic parents mean?
- It describes parents whose ongoing behavior seriously harms their children’s self-esteem and independence. The term comes from Susan Forward’s 1989 book.
- Is "toxic parent" a clinical diagnosis?
- No. It is a popular term, not a psychiatric diagnosis, used to describe harmful parent-child relationships.
- Is it okay to go low contact or no contact with toxic parents?
- Yes. Adult children can decide how much contact to keep in order to protect their wellbeing, ideally with support from a therapist.
References
- Forward, S., & Buck, C. (1989). Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life. New York: Bantam Books.
- Felitti, V. J., Anda, R. F., Nordenberg, D., Williamson, D. F., Spitz, A. M., Edwards, V., Koss, M. P., & Marks, J. S. (1998). Relationship of childhood abuse and household dysfunction to many of the leading causes of death in adults: The Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) Study. American Journal of Preventive Medicine, 14(4), 245–258.
- Gershoff, E. T., & Grogan-Kaylor, A. (2016). Spanking and child outcomes: Old controversies and new meta-analyses. Journal of Family Psychology, 30(4), 453–469.
- 「아동복지법」 제17조(금지행위) 및 「민법」 제915조(징계권) 삭제(2021. 1. 26.). 국가법령정보센터.